Aspergers and the need for friendship

Now I’m the first person to admit that I can be anti social and hate any form of contact when I’m in a bad mood but then there is the other side which is even more confusing. When I’m feeling very social and reach out wanting to make contact with others yet I’m shut down for my inappropriate behaviour/comments. That tends to mean I latch on to the few friends I make and become obsessive wanting to spend every moment with them. This works intially but when the social quota has been filled I withdrew as I can’t cope with anymore. This can freak people out this Katy Perry style of living. I am all or nothing in many things without a lot in between as I just don’t understand society as I can see through it and do not wish to become what it is. This leaves me lonely and I do crave companionship. It’s most notable when I have had a lot and then it stops suddenly and I feel bereft. Yes I’m married and sometimes my husband works from home but he is not really there and my others friends are either working, looking after children or something else. I have never known what to do with my life and I’m spending increasing amounts of time thinking about philosophy which is complete head torture. I don’t like the drama of emotional life but I need that connection. I like things to be simple but life is not, its hugely complex. I have had councillors before and they only work if your willing to open up and tell them about your life. I don’t like the vulnerability it leaves you with both it surprises me the things I tell some people and probably shouldn’t. It’s all a game of should I/shouldn’t I and I never get the balance right. It’s balancing me, the hormones and my Aspergers which is damn near impossible to do.

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