I get down when the weather is bad and in the UK it frequently is even in summer. I’m a bit like a solar battery as I feel a lot better when it’s sunny. I also get a bit depressed each month, I think it must be hormonal because of the regularity it happens. I have weird mood swings sometimes almost like I’m bipolar going from happy to sad etc. Also I have my obssessions but I’m a bit stuck at the moment as I don’t really have one. This gives a great lack of interest in anything and I’m not really motivated which is bad as there is a lot of time being wasted trying to figure out the next step. I never expected that my love of Pokemon would diminish, pick back up and then leave again, same for alcohol or even sex. These are all kind of childish which I totally am despite being 30 but grown up things like learning Greek just make me sad because I’m not there. An autistic without a special interest means there is a great big hole in there lives and they don’t know what to do about it as it doesn’t happen very often. It feels like there purpose in life has been eroded and there is a desperate scramble to regain some semblance of order. Too many thoughts going round my head trying to sort out this mess and it doesn’t get me anywhere. I would like to dance but it’s the cost, transportation, weather, partner and safety issues that need fixing first. I need to get out of the house for socialisation reasons but also exercise otherwise I would just stay inside and read Game of Thrones as Winter is Coming!
I don’t talk much about things but when I do it tends to be excessively as its all or nothing with me most of time and I sometimes prefer to write about them so that they are ordered and logical. It also avoids making social faux pas and it’s a monologue which I’m more comfortable with as you don’t have to interpret emotions or gauge interest. I think too much at the moment and it’s not doing me any favours questioning everything about my life. I just want things to be simple but that seems to be too much to ask so I think I’m going to retreat into technology until it’s safe to come out. I don’t know when that will be. 

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